Monster in the corner
Just about when I think my life’s going well, I’m overcome by a hazy invitation, a sort of inviting hand gently taking me, into depression and anxiety once more. It does not consume me completely as if to give me a semblance of personal control over my decision. However, I am afraid how these old, inveterate self-deprecation and performance anxieties taking me a way from the little progression I’ve made in positivity and performance in life. Though I am better at putting up the façade, because I do not question it daily as though it were a daily crisis, I struggle to keep those bad, bad feelings away because these feelings are familiar, welcoming, but highly dangerous.
For me, these highly dangerous feelings involve complete inactivity toward my professional career. I’ve wondered whether it is the fear or the anxiety or the depression talking, but I think it’s safe to assume that these three create a snowball that become my triple threat to disorder. Think of these three dangers as a big shadowy monster who corners little old you. You are curled into a ball while taking sneak peeks at the monster in fear. You don’t want to look, but must. You want to see your monster to face it. You have that an inkling of desire, a necesscity, to fight it. You plan for it, but you’re too comfortable in that corner.
With that monster, I cannot advance professionally. I speak candidly when I write that I am a soft-spoken and incoherent speaker. When it comes to strangers (even co-workers), I cannot utter a word. It’s funny how I lose my words in front of others.
So this performance anxiety makes me question I am on the right path for my life and career. I want to become a scientist, but because I’m a poor public speaker and interpersonal communicator, this may not be the right time to follow in my dream. It seems that there is another goal I must overcome first: speak with others. In other words, I must know how to communicate.
And I must know how to perform. Performance is no easy feat for me. Try as I may with learning new material, I cannot bring myself to practice out loud. I’ve got a roommate and I’m to pathetically shy.
Here I am thus far. Do I continue to follow my dream, even if I don’t have the skills yet (public speaking, performance, etc.)? Or do I stay and do nothing?
Its an old trick from AVRT as well. The thing telling you not to, is not reall you. Its the monster. Dont listen to that. I appreciate how you’ve written this. I often feel like there’s a monster. I call him Mr. Doom.