I don’t belong here

Somehow I feel I need to start over on my dreams. Is that even possible?

Science academia is intimidating. As much as I pat myself on the back from a mute to speaking person, my efforts are not enough to cover the lost ground I’ve lost for not speaking. I have to say, I am upset. As I recover into a functioning person, my skills are behind in living in this kind of world. It almost makes me want to live a secluded life like Thomas Pynchon or J.D. Salinger so I can have my peace. I’d do as I please until I die.

The present is nothing like that. It’s all action and I’m doubtful (albeit less than before) every step of the way. It seems I’ve lied to these people about my skills long enough. I must retire my silly idea into research as my thoughts perpetuate how distasteful it is living in this world.

I’m no longer depressed, but remnants of social anxiety and depression remain. However, my cynical thoughts of the world have not changed all this time. I thought these thoughts were a result of my negative thinking. Perhaps they are, but partly, I have this unspeakable desire to let go of this conventional life and pave my own life. I don’t know what that life entails, but I don’t want this.

I don’t quite belong in this world because I’m behind those that are speakers. I’m pushing. Dammit, but I’m not coordinating my life the best I can.

To do, think clearly

Don’t think, just do.
Don’t be an anxious thinker, think clearly, and do.
To think clearly, stay calm and do.

Self-love = zilch

The anxiety, the depression hampers on my self-improvement.

When you feel the hate

When people hate you, there’s no denying that they’ll be impatient with you. How do you change their impression of you?

Cry always? NO!

When I get upset, I cry so hard.

Speaking woes

Let me say this.

Goddamit.

I’m getting used to speaking, but I’m in no way comfortable.

I just feel that speaking is a tiring act. What’s the point of speaking other than to communicate to another you are capable–that you are alive and not dead?

I can’t help be a little negative. I mean, speaking requires one to defend oneself against another. I guess being insecure for so long that I’m tired of the spoken word. I’d rather just use telepathy.

Despite my feelings on this, I’m forcing myself to speak. Sure, I should consider speaking as an exercise, but I’m tired of forcing myself so I can get good at this.

I say this because I’m always saying the wrong things. That’s what happens when you don’t speak for years. You don’t know what’s appropriate to talk about.

Shake away the negative feelings and actions

I spend my time talking more than doing, unfortunately. Though I’ve done this many times, it’s only recently that I my words and catching up to me. I say that I write, I read, but in reality, I do not do either one in the same volume as others. As they say, we procrastinate because we don’t want to do something. It must be an unconscious thing. However it may seem, the result is others will look at me badly because I didn’t do my side of the bargain.

So it’s fitting for me to be in this sort of lifestyle: jobless and a bad speaker. It just makes perfect sense. No one did this but myself. So I try to rectify now.

When I rectify my problems, can I catch up to everyone ahead of me?

Monster in the corner

Just about when I think my life’s going well, I’m overcome by a hazy invitation, a sort of inviting hand gently taking me, into depression and anxiety once more. It does not consume me completely as if to give me a semblance of personal control over my decision. However, I am afraid how these old, inveterate self-deprecation and performance anxieties taking me a way from the little progression I’ve made in positivity and performance in life. Though I am better at putting up the façade, because I do not question it daily as though it were a daily crisis, I struggle to keep those bad, bad feelings away because these feelings are familiar, welcoming, but highly dangerous.

019/365 Looking back on the fears and anxieties of yesterday and today

The mental block

How fast am I moving? Changing for the better? Not fast enough.

I have a mental block that dissipates my thoughts into nothingness. When I think I’ve found the answer to something, an invisible mental block obstructs my thoughts. The block, as if a gentle entity, admonishes me for exploring more beneficial thoughts. Are these mental blocks my insecurities? Are my old insecurities keeping me in check? For instance, just last night I went to be early at 10pm, but I laid in bed with thoughts racing until 1am. I stayed up until 3am to calm my nerves. My anxious thoughts attempted to predict my tomorrows (and consequently, I fulfill them, such as not waking up on time for volunteer work).

I want that mental block gone. Go away so I can progress.