I don’t belong here
Somehow I feel I need to start over on my dreams. Is that even possible?
Science academia is intimidating. As much as I pat myself on the back from a mute to speaking person, my efforts are not enough to cover the lost ground I’ve lost for not speaking. I have to say, I am upset. As I recover into a functioning person, my skills are behind in living in this kind of world. It almost makes me want to live a secluded life like Thomas Pynchon or J.D. Salinger so I can have my peace. I’d do as I please until I die.
The present is nothing like that. It’s all action and I’m doubtful (albeit less than before) every step of the way. It seems I’ve lied to these people about my skills long enough. I must retire my silly idea into research as my thoughts perpetuate how distasteful it is living in this world.
I’m no longer depressed, but remnants of social anxiety and depression remain. However, my cynical thoughts of the world have not changed all this time. I thought these thoughts were a result of my negative thinking. Perhaps they are, but partly, I have this unspeakable desire to let go of this conventional life and pave my own life. I don’t know what that life entails, but I don’t want this.
I don’t quite belong in this world because I’m behind those that are speakers. I’m pushing. Dammit, but I’m not coordinating my life the best I can.