Shake away the negative feelings and actions

I spend my time talking more than doing, unfortunately. Though I’ve done this many times, it’s only recently that I my words and catching up to me. I say that I write, I read, but in reality, I do not do either one in the same volume as others. As they say, we procrastinate because we don’t want to do something. It must be an unconscious thing. However it may seem, the result is others will look at me badly because I didn’t do my side of the bargain.

So it’s fitting for me to be in this sort of lifestyle: jobless and a bad speaker. It just makes perfect sense. No one did this but myself. So I try to rectify now.

When I rectify my problems, can I catch up to everyone ahead of me?

Monster in the corner

Just about when I think my life’s going well, I’m overcome by a hazy invitation, a sort of inviting hand gently taking me, into depression and anxiety once more. It does not consume me completely as if to give me a semblance of personal control over my decision. However, I am afraid how these old, inveterate self-deprecation and performance anxieties taking me a way from the little progression I’ve made in positivity and performance in life. Though I am better at putting up the façade, because I do not question it daily as though it were a daily crisis, I struggle to keep those bad, bad feelings away because these feelings are familiar, welcoming, but highly dangerous.

019/365 Looking back on the fears and anxieties of yesterday and today

The mental block

How fast am I moving? Changing for the better? Not fast enough.

I have a mental block that dissipates my thoughts into nothingness. When I think I’ve found the answer to something, an invisible mental block obstructs my thoughts. The block, as if a gentle entity, admonishes me for exploring more beneficial thoughts. Are these mental blocks my insecurities? Are my old insecurities keeping me in check? For instance, just last night I went to be early at 10pm, but I laid in bed with thoughts racing until 1am. I stayed up until 3am to calm my nerves. My anxious thoughts attempted to predict my tomorrows (and consequently, I fulfill them, such as not waking up on time for volunteer work).

I want that mental block gone. Go away so I can progress.

Pluto, once again

There is nothing wrong with me. It’s normal to stay home with a book and avoid crowded places, to want to hang out for a meal but can’t (due to personal hardship), and to do things I want but can’t because the story I tell myself.

I think and think, but do less and less. I review and review, but to what effect? I write but with no intended audience in mind except myself. My words appeal to no one but myself (sometimes– if I can get over how elementary my sentence structures and choices are).

A long time

Howdy. Long time no see.

You must be wondering where in the world I have been. In the real world, I am recovering from depression and discovering novel labels for myself. One of these labels is that I’m just as quixotic as I am naive.

I have worth

“I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.”

– William Ernest Henley, “Invictus”

A moment

I was asked the question again, “How’s your GPA?”

I was crushed. Here, they will judge me by my GPA. Here, all my hard work in this laboratory will be washed away by my failure of a GPA.

We are dating now

We decided that we are dating exclusively (or is it exclusively dating each other?).

We are exploring

After finishing the day around 9pm a few days ago, I discovered that Mr. 5-5 texted me. At first he was indirect then eventually, directly said he didn’t mind my visiting him. That night I really wanted to see him because for the past few weeks, my mind’s been anxious. So when I got to his apartment, I sat across from him. He had his hands around my wrists as if to comfort me, warm me up. I wanted to ask him, but I immediately became too shy and nervous. So I put my head on my knees and asked, “What are we?”